09/01/04

We held your service Daddy read you your favorite book "Guess How Much I Love You?" for the last time - you used to bounce around inside Mummy's belly whenever Daddy read this to you - it seemed to be the only book you reacted in this way to! An excerpt from "Fly" the Celine Dion song lyrics and a small poem we wrote slightly adapted from another Mummy found online. We are so scared - We don't want to say goodbye but we know we have to. Mummy and Daddy's hearts broke today, it was the most difficult thing we have ever had to do. Your coffin was so small - just like a shoebox. It was beautiful though - very simple, white with a small engraved plaque on which said "Baby Thomas Dixon".

STROMNESS
9TH JANUARY 2004 11:00am
Stillborn On New Years Day 2004 - 31 ¼ weeks gestation

" Now we see through a glass darkly, but then we will see face to face. Now we know only in part, but then we will know fully, even as we have been fully known."

What should have been a time of joyful preparation has become a time of almost unbearable sadness. Hearts that were full of hope, hands that were busy hang idle and seemingly useless and happiness has been replaced by bitter disappointment. The long hours of darkness weigh heavily and a sense of numbness threatens to engulf us.
Take heart, for the light is not extinguished - it glimmers in the not to distant future, around a hidden corner, to guide you by its promise, to warm you with its love, and to heal you with its gentle touch. You will arise, and raise your heads, and walk again the path that beckons, leading you from now to then, from darkest midnight to a brightening dawn, in the company of those who have suffered the pain you suffer, and who reach out to you in spirit to comfort you, all upheld by the one who can make all things new.

A poem which pledges remembrance - FLY

FLY

Fly, fly little wing
Fly beyond imagining
Take your gentle happiness
Far too beautiful for this
Above the universe you'll climb
On beyond the hands of time
The moon will rise, the sun will set
But we won't forget

Fly, fly little wing
Fly where only angels sing
Fly away, the time is right
Go now, find the light

Magnus will read Thomas's favorite story, called "GUESS HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU"

Isaish said of Christ's' coming… "Like a shepherd he will tend to his flock He will gather the lambs in his arms And carry them in his bosom". In the strength and comfort of these words, let us commend to god the short life and tender soul of this child…
Unseen by us, but growing in your sight, formed in your image and knit together in his mother's womb, Thomas was loved and known by you, O God, and to your never wearying arms and his eternal home we now entrust him. Assure us that in your safe keeping will endure the love that binds him to his earthly parents, until such a time as they shall see and know him face to face. Comfort them with your concern and care, Surround them with your presence, Encircle them with your love, Protect and uphold them with your power And fill them with your grace, Now and always.

Committal

Into the ground which is hallowed to receive him, We commit the body of baby Thomas, Taking strength in the promises of Christ, That though lost to us in this lifetime, Not one little one is lost to him, But all are gathered in and raised with him To the light and peace of Gods nearer presence. In time, may you know again the peace of God, And find yourselves richly blessed by him. Amen.

FOR
THOMAS

In a baby castle just beyond our eye
our baby plays with angel toys that money cannot buy
who are we to wish you back into this world of strife?
No Thomas, play on baby You have eternal life.

At night when all is silent
And sleep forsakes our eyes
We hear your tiny breathing
As you lie by our side
Your little hands caress us
So tenderly and sweet
We'll whisper a prayer and close our eyes
And embrace you in our sleep.

(c) Doris Stokes

20/01/04

Mummy had a very vivid and strangely comforting dream last night - she was walking through a huge valley, every inch of which was covered with the most colorful and bright Pansies she has ever seen. There were very steep hills and drops in the landscape which made Mummy feel very small and lost yet intruiged by the vibrancy all around her. The warmth she could feel - like the sun shining on her face. She saw a figure in the distance and walked towards this person, as she got nearer she realised it was Ingrid *- and she was holding you Thomas. She was trying to tell Mummy something - her lips were moving but no words could be heard but it looked very much like she was saying "He's safe" - then your Mummy woke up and with every inch of her being wished she hadn't.

I know you are safe Thomas and I am now sure that Ingrid is looking after you.

We put your website online last night and have received some really good feedback from it - especially from ' SG ' - I am so pleased I found that place - the people there are so special and are really helping your Mummy feel that we are not alone in our grief.

( * My dearest friend Ingrid lost her battle against Breast Cancer on the 29th November 2003. She was only 25 years old. )

22/01/04

Today I am thinking about a little baby boy called ' Nicholas James Bell ' - I was incredibly touched by a e-mail I received from his Mummy, Julie yesterday. Nicholas would have been two years old today and I know it will be a very sad day for his parents. Julie offered to send me a baby book that was published for those who have had a stillborn baby. It is just like a regular baby book with areas for the ultrasound, what the world is like today, about your pregnancy, but then it goes on with pages regarding your loss. It has pages to record when you found out about the loss, saying good-bye, what it was like leaving the hospital, grandparent's sorrow, what we are doing now to remember our lost baby, memorials created...She offered to send us this book as a gift in memory of their son, Nicholas.

I wrote a poem today very much inspired by this gift but also by the overwhelming kindness we have found among so many others who have suffered a similar loss in their lives.

' Comfort In The Arms Of Strangers '

Both Daddy and I are just completely overwhelmed by how kind people have been within the community, our friends, family and strangers. We don't know how to thank them enough for their cards, flowers, gifts, phonecalls, letters etc. We have put an acknowledgment into next weeks local paper as we feel that we have to thank them in some way. For those that visit the site

"Thankyou for everything -
your continuing support and words
of advise and comfort,

it means a great deal to us both"

24/01/04

30/01/04

Barbara visited your grave today and laid some things on it - a poem that Jim had written, some flowers and she even built a snowman for you.

01/02/04

Your Granda has carved an absolutely beautiful Hare for you 'Thomas' - Mummy and Daddy were so moved by this gift - it is very very special.

04/02/04

Mummy went for the 'LUPUS' test today to make sure that I don't have a blood clotting disorder which could have lead to the 'Placental Insufficiency'.

14/02/04

"Happy Valentines Day Thomas" - thinking about you every day baby

Love

Mummy & Daddy

XXX

Golden slumbers kiss your eyes
Smiles await you as you rise,
Sleep little darling Do not cry
and I will sing you a lullaby.

20/02/04

We had our appointment with the consultant yesterday at 4pm. We went prepared with a list of questions, mostly about 'Placental Insufficiency' as after the preliminary post mortem our doctor had told us that it was an insufficient Placenta that had been the cause of Thomas's death. We therefore weren't at all prepared for what we would be told. 'Placental Insufficiency' was not apparently the cause of his death. They found from the full post mortem that Thomas had two major abnormalities in his organs, one being the cause of the other. A Cardiac Malformation was the main defect - his Atrial, top two chambers of his heart were very enlarged, and there was also a hole in his heart. This abnormality had caused his blood to flow the wrong way, which had resulted in his lungs not receiving the blood supply they needed causing Hypoplasia (under development of the lungs and collapse). We were told that this was not a genetic defect but that there is a very small chance of recurrence in a future pregnancy although unlikely to result in the loss of a future baby. We were also told that there was no way Thomas would ever have survived, even if I had gone to full term - his lungs were too underdeveloped and he would not have been able to breathe. The 'Placental Insufficiency' that we had been told of was purely speculation as Thomas had suffered from IUGR (Intrauterine Growth Retardation), he was the size of a 28-week-old gestation; he was born at 31 ¼ weeks. This seemed therefore to be the most obvious cause.

We feel very confused - there is very little news that comforts you at a time like this but we know that had it been a problem with the placenta it would have been easier to monitor in a future pregnancy. With the heart defect it will be more complicated as they can't always detect heart malformations using scans. We have been told that if a problem with the heart recurs in another pregnancy it would be unlikely they could detect it any time before 30 weeks.

We now have to rely on faith that this won't happen again, we have to believe that this can't happen again otherwise we will never be able to move on. We know we will need a lot of support emotionally during another but how do you announce a pregnancy as joyfully as others can when we know we will be terrified that something may go wrong again.

Is hope enough?

28/02/04

In Loving Memory...Personal Memorial:

We have added a form to the site as there is a lot of space down the right columns of the site on many of the pages and we would like to use this space as Memorial Walls. Click on any of the memorial form banners - they are now on every page and fill in the form. A memorial will soon appear on the site for your lost little one. Short Poems, verse and brief comments are welcomed here. It is never too late to include your baby(s) / child's dedication on this memorial Wall - if you happen to stumble upon this site and you have suffered the loss of a child, be it yesterday or 20 years ago, you and your baby(s) are welcome here. This can be a special place for gentle memories. We know as parents having suffered such loss we will always carry our little ones wherever we go - they will be with us always, in our hearts and minds. We will put your memorial on the site within two weeks after we receive it.

NOTE: Due to limited space we cannot include any images
these memorials are text only.

Sorry!

Please visit again.

Love

Vicky and Magnus xXx

29th November 2004

* * * * * * * * Pregnancy and birth mentioned * * * * * * * *

Thomas,

You have a baby sister! Mummy was so scared to even mention here that she was pregnant again as she just never believed that she would have a baby to take home one day. It has been a very long, emotional journey but your little sister' Milly Ingrid Dixon ' was born on the 16th of November at 3:43am, weighing in at 8lbs 12ozs!…

Mummy and Daddy are so very happy! The 30 and ¾ hours of labour was worth it!. We can hardly believe that we are finally here and that we have our very own little baby to love, I honestly thought it would never be. It has all felt so bittersweet…and in a way even more painful emotionally now though knowing just what we lost when we lost you Thomas.

We are truly blessed to have such a beautiful baby sister for you and you will always be a part of our family. Pregnancy after a loss can be very difficult....but there is hope and I am now beginning to believe that dreams can come true.

We will always love you Thomas.....all the way to the moon.....and back!

Mummy & Daddy

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

25th December 2004

My darling Thomas,

Christmas in Heaven

I see the countless Christmas Trees around the world below,
With tiny lights, like Heaven’s Stars, reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away that tear,
For I am spending Christmas in Heaven this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear,
But the sounds of music can’t compare with the Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me. I see the pain inside your heart,
But I am not so far away. We really aren’t apart.
So be happy for me dear ones, you know I hold you dear
And be glad I’m spending Christmas in Heaven this year.
I send you each a special gift from my home above
I send you each a memory of my underlying love,
After all “love” is the gift more precious than pure gold,
It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.
Please love and keep each other, as my Father said to do,
For I can’t count the blessings or love he has for you.
So have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear,
Remember, I’m spending Christmas in Heaven this year.

Mummy xXx

1st January 2005

The strangest thing happened this morning Thomas. I think that it was a very special message from you! A year ago today you were born into this world so silently and so still. We had planned to visit your grave first thing in the morning today - at exactly 8:31am we wanted to release your balloons - the time of your birth.

However, your baby sister Milly had been really unsettled the night before and we all needed to sleep a little longer, it was also still very dark and we wanted to wait until it became a little lighter....so we decided to come to visit you later in the day. Mummy put off the alrm clock after feeding Milly at 7ish and we all fell asleep again.

Milly woke Mummy and Daddy up a little later crying - she rarely cries....she usually just fusses....Mummy couldn't believe it when she looked at the clock and it was exactly 8:31am. Was this your message to us today Thomas? I can't help but feel that this was too strong an event to be just coincedence.

We all love you dearly...

Love Mumy xXx

Thomas,

We visited you yesterday and relesed some blue balloons for you...each had a tag attached with a message. It felt good to be able to do something to remember you and as we watched each balloon drift upwards I wondered how different things could have been.

We also put a new teddy bear and a little snowman with wings on your grave. I felt so sad standing there, remembering your tiny coffin and that cold still day of your service. I miss you my darling baby boy.....I feel so blessed to have your sister here with us - safe and warm but that will never take away the ache I carry for you.

Love you forever....

Mummy xXx

7th January 2005

Thomas,

Give Ingrid kiss from Mummy 'cos it's her birthday today and I miss her lots.

Love you my beautiful baby boy......

Mummy xXx

1st March 2005

My dearest Thomas,

Another one of the 'firsts' has passed us by - had you been born on your due date you would have been turning one now. A confusing time for Mummy and Daddy as your due date was the 29th of February - yet this year that day is not here - you are not here either and that makes me feel so sad.

Just wanted to let you know that you are being thought of and will never be far from our hearts or minds!

We love you so much....


Mummy xXx

15th May 2005

Thomas,

You have been on my mind today - you are never far from my heart and I often see things that remind me of you. I don't know why but I felt the need to listen to the song again, 'Fly' by Celine Dion. Those were the very first lyrics that came to us after you died. The hospital chaplain recited them in a small blessing for you. Listening to this song again made the tears flow. Oh how we miss you, our little man. We still try to visit your grave every weekend - we were there today and laid some lovely sea pinks that we put in a pot for you.

Milly is growing fast - she will be 6 months old tomorrow. You should be here with us, she should have her big brother here. Sometimes I feel so cheated. People have forgotten - we have Milly now - "get over it" Is it so wrong to simply just miss you?

I miss you little man and will never forget.

Love Mummy xXx

27th June 2005

Thomas,

Still holding you close wee man! Now and forever....

Love Mummy

xXx

----------------------------

Thankyou so so much to each and every person who has been here and left messages in our guestbook. It overwhelmes me to think that so many people have visited, so many who have themselves suffered thier own tragic losses. I would love to be able to reply to all of you - but just don't have the time. I do try to reply to as many as I can but just want those of you who haven't heard from me that you are very much in my thoughts and that your messages and kind words mean so much to us!

Almost 260 memorials ....... on the website now - 260 lost babies ..... so sad.

I feel so privileged that people have shared thier babies here and happy knowing I have been able to provide a place for them to memorialise thier little ones. Thankyou so much to all of you here who have added memorials to Thomas's website for your babies. They will never be forgotten......

Beautiful memories
Silently kept
of the babies' we loved
And will never forget

Love Vicky xXx

15th October 2005:

'International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day'

Almost a year on and Milly is blossoming. She is such a beautiful and happy baby. I watch her grow and develop with each passing day and often wonder if you would have taken your first steps at ten and a half months, would you have had the same chiming giggle that fills my heart with joy every time I hear it?

We still visit your grave as often as we can and think about you every day. I feel so lucky to have been blessed with Milly – I feel almost ‘normal’ again! Some days are more difficult than others are, just because I often feel guilty if I get stressed or upset with Milly. I lost a baby – how can I allow myself to feel this way? I should be happy. Oh, but I am happy – but I guess it will always be tainted with the bittersweet memories of you. the regrets and the ‘what could have been?’

People think that the arrival of a new baby after a loss is a miracle cure and you should instantly be ‘over it’. The reality of it is that I will never forget you Thomas, time may dull the pain but I will always feel the sadness of you not being here with me now.

There is life after loss – I would never have believed it in those long agonising days that followed your silent entry into this world; but here I am with your little sister, almost a year old already and left wondering how can time go by so fast?

Always remembering you my precious baby Thomas and keeping you in my heart forever.

Love you to the moon ..............and back!

Love Mummy

xXx

"Never Be Forgotten"

I’ll always see your face
The corner of your smile
And all the little things that no one will ever know
Like it was yesterday, won’t ever fade away
Goodbye is just a word that I will never say

You will never be forgotten
A million days could pass us by
But what is time but just a dream
Oh I still feel you here with me
You’re more than a memory
Oh you will never be forgotten

I can‘t hold your hand
Or look into your eyes
And when I talk to you
It just echoes in my mind
But If hearts are made of dust
And if we fell from the stars
I look up tonight and know just where you are

You will never be forgotten
A million days could pass us by
But what is time but just a dream
Oh I still feel you here with me
You’re more than a memory
Oh you will never be forgotten

And the world just keeps on going
It has no way of knowing
That you’re gone

You will never be forgotten
A million days could pass us by
But what is time but just a dream
Oh I still feel you here with me
You’re more than a memory
Oh you will never be forgotten

~ Jessica Andrews ~

Thomas,

tommorrow your little sister Milly turns one....Oh, how I wish you had been with us for your 1st birthday little man. You are always with me, you must know you are. I just wish you were with us too.

Love you so very much....

Mummy xXx

29th November 2005:

Thomas, can you pass on some hugs and kisses to Ingrid from Mummy. It was two years ago today that she died and Mummy is thinking about her and missing her so very much.

Love you sweetie!

Mummy xXx

" I am so sorry, there is no heartbeat "

the memories are swimming round my head of everything that led up to the day you were born so quietly........

Love you Thomas

xXx

1st January 2006:

My Darling Thomas,

Two years have passed since that awful day I was told you were gone……..this should be your 2nd birthday, not another sad anniversary where we spend the day remembering all the events of January 1st 2004, a Year that was seen in with empty arms and broken hearts and ended so joyfully with the arrival of your baby sister.

Your baby sister is now one and has brought us so much happiness. She has helped me truly understand what we lost the day you were born so still. All the firsts, all the excitement of learning new things and watching her little personality grow each and every day. I am so very sad that we will never have these experiences with you Thomas.

Though the years pass the ache remains, people simply don’t understand. Now that we have your sister they assume that we have forgotten, moved on…..yes, we have moved on – life doesn’t stop for us but it will never ever mean that we move on without you. You were, are our baby, our child, our son and though you may not be here with us now you will never ever be forgotten. People don’t expect a parent or friend, who has died to be forgotten, so why should I not have the right to remember you? I know that you were not real to those around me, you were in my belly, I felt you move, I felt you respond to my touch. I felt the most intense love for you from the day I discovered I was pregnant. I planned a future for you, I planned my life with you……….they simply do not understand. When a child dies, a mothers love remains the same…..unbroken. The sad reality is that though we will not forget you we are 'learning to live' with the grief that still surfaces now and again - particularly at this time of the year.

~ Remembering Baby Thomas Dixon ~

Two years ago today, the 1st of January 2004 – you were born into our lives silently….no cry ever came from your mouth. We remember you today on what should be your second birthday little man.

We miss you so much Thomas and will never forget you.

Love you to the moon…………………..and back!

Mummy, Daddy

and

your baby sister Milly

xXx

As Long As Forever
Written By: James J. Metcalfe

I shall remember you for as long
As there are fields of snow,
And there are flowers in the ground
With strength to grow,
As long as there are stars above
And moonbeams on the sea,
And just as long as there are songs
Of love and memory.
I shall remember you today
And dream of you tonight,
And look for you tomorrow when
The sun begins to light.
Whatever season, month or year,
This much will be the same,
The only sound of joy will be
The mention of your name.
I shall remember you for as long
As there are earth and sky,
And all eternity
May take to say goodbye.

26th January 2006:

Thinking about a very special girl and holding her family very close in thought as Ella's 2nd birthday arrives today.

Thomas, please give Ella some special kisses from your Mummy today!

Happy 2nd Birthday Ella Marie, you will always be close to my heart.

Love you to the moon.......................and back Thomas,

Love

Mummy xXx

09th February 2006:

Hello baby boy!

Mummy has launched her new business working from home....here's hoping this helps us a little!

We are hoping to get you a stone - we are so sorry it has taken us so long but promise that we will see that you get one soon!

Love you Thomas, as always!

Love

Mummy xXx